Words by: Kendra Pratt
Buckle up kids, I am building up to a good old fashioned rant, because something is really grinding my gears this week. What is it Kendra? Is it men who claim to be friend zoned? Is it women who aren’t feminists because they’re not being oppressed, so the patriarchy doesn’t exist?
Nope! It's people who have no notion of basic human decency when it comes to a) trying on clothes in store and b) keeping their goddamn privates to themselves.
But how do these two things relate to each other? Well, let me tell you exactly how your genitals should NOT be relating to anything that you don't already own (or are dating and have permission to touch).
I work for a lingerie store, and I love my job. I really, really love it. I work with amazing people, I get to wear pretty things every day and help people feel good about their body, whether they are a size 6 or a size 16. I help people celebrate their sexuality and their body confidence, and I make a lot of friends.
There isn't much you can do in store to annoy me, so don't be afraid to ask stupid questions, because I love to answer them. I don't care if you knock stock off the rack! Let me help you pick it up. I don't expect anyone to re-hang their lingerie, because it's trickier than a Rubik's cube on LSD. I'm happy to help you try on things "just because" and let you play dress ups when you're having a bad day.
But there is one thing – one little things – that customers can do to make me truly upset. If you are guilty of this crime; repent now, send a prayer to all the unfortunate sales assistants whom you have scarred for life and vow to never do it again.
What am I talking about? I'm talking about people who try on underwear without keeping their own knickers on underneath.
My first question is always "WHYYYYYYY?" as I wring my hands silently on the other side of the curtain. What on earth possessed you to want to rub your genitals on my lingerie? Once you have bought it, you can do whatever the hell you want with it; run it up a flagpole, wear it on your head. I really don't care. But until those tags are off, those knickers are still mine and I will defend them with my life.
Once I move past the initial reaction, my next thoughts are something along the lines of, "aren't you concerned that other people might have had their ladybits on there before you?"
Obviously this is unlikely as most people are sensible enough to realise that a lady always retains her own underclothes whilst trying on new undergarments. However, if you're in there happily wiggling your bare bum in a pair of hot pants, chances are someone else might have, and now you've essentially touched bums. Are you happy now? Are you?! Because I am most certainly not, and now I have to find a super polite and tactful way of telling you that you need to buy those knickers. You break it, you bought it. You leave a snail trail on it, you are definitely buying it my dear.
But what if I'm not wearing underwear on the day I go shopping? That's fine honey, you don't have to wear underwear if you don’t want to, but you're not trying on a single pair of briefs in my store. Think of it at the No Hat, No Play rule at school. No undies, No Funsies. Or something like that...
I've got my period, can I still try on knickers? That depends on a variety of factors, including how much you trust your tampon and how big your own underwear is. Wearing a thong? Probably not worth the risk, because the day I have to re-hang period-stained underwear is the day my soul breaks in half.
So please, for the love of lingerie, if you have just been at the gym, got a fresh spray tan, or you decided to go commando today, please skip lingerie shopping. We'll be thrilled to help you out another time and make sure you find a fabulous set to show off your assets, just don't show off too much of those assets in store.